It is your turn now!

Where are you in my darkness

How can you be my light?

How can we talk of guidance

When all I see is night? 

My worries I give

And the life I have to live

It is your turn now

Your turn now.

building on lies....

I like when people are open and vulnerable. Then how come I am never so myself? Why am I so afraid for people to see the real me? What is it I fear? Is rejection really any worse than isolation? I know so many people on the surface, yet there is just a couple who knows a tiny bit of my inner mess. 

I am not shallow,- just scared!

a thirteen year old author

I used to love to write... But somewhere along the way I was hit by the seriousness of life, the requirements of genre, and my desire to please various teachers and people whom I respected. And my writing lost its edge. Got boring. Wonder if I am able to dig out this thirteen year old, fearless, genre-mixing author, who made people think, laugh or even cry at times. Like a turtle she hid somewhere inside herself, waiting for a safe time to get back out there... well, its been more than a decade. Maybe the time is now?

Turning point....

I´m headed in the wrong direction. And quite frankly I enjoy the ride. But how can I turn without knowing where to? Maybe a just need to stop for a bit? Check and recheck direction? Ask for advice....

You can´t wear yesterday´s make up at todays party. Today requires something new. Something fresh. I just wish it was clear to me... 

Have I forgotten to move forward in my comfortability? Is comfortability even a word? (This English spelling is driving me nuts...)

Fear

Looks like a shadow without a source,

sounds like a knife on the dinner plate,

feels like  swallowing fishbones,

smells like burning plastic. 

Fear.

The source

Where can I find the source of  courage? - trade the darkness for the light?

To whom will I go to buy the freedom, - to get the strength to win this fight?

Who defines me, who I am, my audience is where?

Tell me how to make the changes needed in this sphere.

Is there weapons for this battle I will have to find?

Who is for and who´s against this victory in my mind?

And who is he, the source of fear, at work both day and night?

Fighting with the source of truth, like black is fighting white.

Can I seek refuge somewhere, to escape this source of black?

Can any guide lead me away, or through this ongoing attack?

Where can I find the peace, and the pastures where I can rest?

Will someone be there to provide me with the strength to pass this test?

On the water where he was walking, and fear would pull him down,

Was it looking to the source of courage that caused him not to drown?

When will I see the answers, to the things that I seek and pray?

Is the source now gone, or is it on the water with me today?

Expecting the unexpected!

Yesterday a prayed a prayer, and did not at all expect an answer to it... So when I did get one, I must have looked like I just fell of the moon. How stupid is that, praying as if God does not listen? Not to say that we will have all our prayers answered the way we pray, but still the least we can do is to be open for the possibility. To believe that the God we pray to has all power, and that nothing is impossible to Him. So today I decided to thank God that this is a day where I can expect his interference and expect the unexpected.

Who do I follow and where?

Yesterday I crossed a road full of traffic without thinking. Why? Because two serious looking accountants in their mid fifties did the same thing, and I just blindly followed. It went well, but got me thinking. Who do I follow, where and why? Would I have followed two teenagers with purple hair and multiple tattoos? Not likely.  Why would I follow two men, just because they are plain looking, and I assume they have good judgement?

Unanswered prayer

I believe in the power of prayer... I believe that God provides for me, and that He listens when I ask for something according to His will. I believe for Him to do great and even impossible things.... But why then is it, that the prayer I my life that has been prayed and even fasted the most about, is still unanswered? Is it possible that God wants me to take more responsibility, and start walking,- before He opens the doors for me? Am I waiting for Him to drag me out of the chair, and start pushing me around, like I was some kind of puppet? When what He wants me to do is start walking, and look for his signs along the way... Does He want me to grow up, as I grow in wisdom, and ability to make good choices. Am my search for his guidance actually a sign of immaturity? Maybe the real miracle is God changing and renewing my mind?

the beauty of fall and full moon

This fall has been the most colorful, beautiful fall I can remember. And right now I will go for an evening walk by myself, in the colors, lit up by the full moon. What have I done to deserve this?

collector vs distributor

Today I gave away one of the most precious things I own.  I am not saying this to make myself look good, but to make a point. Truth is, it was a real struggle to me. And I realized I have become a blessing collector rather than a blessing distributor. That needs to change. I want to be in charge of my belongings, not the other way around. From now on I want to distribute rather than collect. Hold me accountable!

The art of finishing

I like starting things, love it actually! Full of energy an ideas I can start just about anything. The creativeness, the planning... I could go on and on. However, completing stuff is not really a strength of mine. I am trying to tell myself that finishing has its own value. And right now I am practicing the art of finishing anything at all, just for the sake of it. And I am telling myself that even if it is not s good book, a useful engagement or something that leads somewhere, finishing something well has a value attached to it. And it creates character.. 

Influence

Lately I have been busy thinking about how to make my life count, in everyday life. How to make changes that makes a difference. How to live differently in the ordinary. And yesterday I saw a beautiful,- flesh and blood example of just that. I was on the bus, driving to the neighbor city, and the bus driver was such a man! It wasn´t any big things, just the way he related to the alcoholic that came in, the foreigners on the bus, and also how he stopped the bus and greeted a lady on the street- as he drove by. How he asked me if he could help me with my stuff....  Tiny little things  that blew my mind.  

Some people make an impact, and change the world they are a part of for the better. I wanna be one of those people! 

 "The shack" (which I don´t really like in itself, but keep quoting anyway) says: ....if anything matters, everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes ; every time you reach out and touch a heart of life, the world changes....

I like the thought of that; Changing the universe, changing the world. It has always been my dream. But it is so easy to fall into the trap of forgetting the small and seemingly insignificant things, as we strive for the "important" stuff that is praised and noticed.

 

I`m the bird, 

you are the tree; 

waiting on the ground for me.

Faithful do you watch me fly 

endless, on a changing sky.

You`re silent while you`re watching me 

flying to another tree

You wish that I would settle too, 

cut my wings and stay with you. 

Young and blind when will I see 

your quiet , faithful love for me?